Originally published at 24c3. Please leave any comments there.

https://events.ccc.de/congress/2007/Hacks

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

This is something that’s gone quite unspoken about on my friends list, and it affects a great deal of (all of?) them. I’m really surprised, because this is really good news, in more than just a couple of ways.

RCMP Won’t Go After Personal Filesharers

Since no-one will bother to read that link first, a brief summary: The RCMP won’t persue or prosecute personal fireshares any more, recognizing that it takes too much effort and investment with precious little payoff.

At least two direct benefits for Canadians:

1. No more getting prosecuted for something for which we already pay a levy.
2. Our federal police will be free to spend that time and money on more important crimes.

And there’s at least one indirect benefit to boot - it means our politicians aren’t so corrupt and our lobbyists aren’t so pervasive that we let greed get in the way of common sense.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

My phone line is currently out (and thus my DSL), so I spent some time catching up on things I’ve been putting off.

I read a bit of a book that looked interesting (it was).
I read some of a story I’d been promising to read (for far too long).
I did some cleaning (totally necessary).
And I read the rules to the Warcraft CCG.

No parentheses for the last sentence there, since it’s what I want to talk about. See, while it cleared a few matters up for me, it also opened up an interesting idea: the draft tournament.

Basically, everyone buys four booster packs. You sit down, open a pack and choose a card. Then you pass the remainder of that pack to your left, and accept the player on your right’s remaining deck. Choose a card again, and repeat the pass until you’re out of cards. Then repeat until you’re out of decks.

At this point, you have 60 carefully-chosen cards. From these, you create a deck of a minimum size of 30. Then you fight it out amongst the other decks made during the draft.

The winner gets a booster pack per person (really meaning everyone buys FIVE booster packs, but only opens four). Everyone keeps the cards they choose during the draft.

So is anyone up for a wardraft tournament when I come home next weekend? I understand that there’ll be WoW CCG action with our regular decks anyway, but I’m also interested in running one of these as well. It’s a fun way to get some more cards, PLUS while we all have some skills we’ve built up, we haven’t all had the time or money to build crazy decks. (Actually, heck, we can all buy six boosters and put the sixth up in a regular tournament with our prebuilts.)

If so, make sure you buy your boosters early, as we know we can’t really rely on Mike to have boosters at any given moment - stock sells fast.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

But not tonight - the schedule’s WAY too rushed to try to get off work, come here, grab my shit, and head down to the train station in blind hopes of catching my train.  So.  Not happening.

So tomorrrow.  And I have two options for when I show up.  I can take the 7:00 train and show up at 8:51, or I can grab the 12:30 train and show up at 2:31.  The earlier train is preferable, becuase then I can spend the morning/afternoon with You Guys before heading out to my brother’s for his birthday party.  But if no-one’s gonna be up at that time, then I’ll probably grab the 12:30 train, and I probably won’t have much (if any) time to hang out with you all before heading out to Brad’s.  I’d bug my parents, but they’ve got this once-a-year charity golf tournament and they’re not going to be available.

So please let me know ASAP if you’ll be able to lend a hand and if you want to spend the morning/afternoon hangin’ out!

[EDIT: So actually, the rilly awesome codie-penny will be my personal chauffeur this weekend.  I’ll be in town tonight at around maybe eight o’clock.  Plans are: Say Hi to the ‘rents & drop off my stuff, then head down to The Clubhouse and hang with the boys until Adam gets off work.  They may be a little surprised to see me so can someone warn them?

Then when Adam gets off work, we might just go for Walkies and Denny’s.  *hope*

Then bed.

Then more hanging out at The Clubhouse the next day likely, until I go to my brother’s for his birthday.  And that’s the last you guys are likely to see of me until codie-penny drives me back to Ottawa.

And since she already has my undying gratitude, I shall now bestow upon her my unliving gratitude as well.  That’s right, when I’m re-animated as a zombie, I will personally seek her out to say thanks.

And then eat her brains.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

“He seems to have a remarkable detachment from life. Everything he’s done has been according to a cold, metallic, swirling vortex of logic totally devoid of colour or emotion. I occasionally debate his mortality, humanity, or even complete presence in our dimension. It should also be noted that his only warm appreciation and idolization of any subject is for Cthulhu. I frequently recommend that he not come in contact with the entire human race, let alone children, the elderly, pregnant or nursing women, and least of all those mentally distressed or suicidal. I would also recommend permanent confinement or execution, but I don’t think he can be killed, nor can the smoking black many-armed orb of nothing that is his soul be contained or confined by any craft or will of the mortal realm.”

~ Adam Gow, June 2007

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

The cup’s headed south this year, isn’t it?

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

I’m not dead, I assure you.  I’m just terrible at correspondence.

Most importantly!  New contact information!

AIM: DanHulton07
MSN: dan@danhulton.com

Let me know if you guys are on any different IM networks and I’ll set something up there — I’m running GAIM, so it’s no loss to me to have another account.

The Money Situation
I received my first paycheque already - it’s enough to cover bills, only just barely.  I’m still living like a college student who’s blown the loan on beer.  Plus side - I really dig on PBJ sandwiches, so it’s not like my food standards have gone down much.  Also, I have a roomie who doesn’t balk at buying group groceries on the promise of being paid back for it later.  Heck, she owed me a bundle for the first part of our stay here, so we’ve already set a friendly precedent.  We have a cool little system set up on Google Docs to keep track of it, and it makes tracking bills hella easy.

The next paycheque that comes in should provide a bit of breathing room, but with outstanding bills, the need to spay Midnight-cat, and the desire to get some space on the credit card, there’ll be precious room left for luxuries.  Probably none. But that’s cool though, I’m trying to get a handle on my luxury tax anyway.  I’ve blown far too much on far too little before.  We’ll see how that goes.

Ubuntu

I’ve switched over completely to Ubuntu Linux now.  I tried it out and yes, it was cool.  Cooler, in fact, than Windows.  I certainly miss a few things (Ventrilo, Paint.NET, running games natively), but there are always workarounds if you feel like being flexible (Teamspeak, The GIMP, WINE).  In fact, most of the time when I find myself lacking in a certain program I used to use and consider running it through WINE, I end up finding an open-source program freely available in it’s place that does exactly what I need it to do.  For example, screw Nero, K3B does just fine, thank-you very much.

Warcraft

Almost as an aside to that, I’ve decided to take a break from WoW for a while.  It took a while for me to sort out my technical difficulties with playing WoW under Linux, and now that I’m able, I no longer really want to - I was afk long enough that the addiction has subsided.  That, and adjusting to working a regular schedule after being a lazybum 24×7 is taking it’s toll on my energy reserves.  I just don’t have the five straight hours to an event.  I think I’m going to take advantage of that for a while, and perhaps work on some personal projects.  It’s kind of unfortunate, as I was just getting ito raiding properly with a raiding guild, but real life takes precedence.

Trailer Park Boys

Lastly, for those who follow these kinds of things, we’re in the middle of a new Trailer Park Boys season - season seven, if you’re looking.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

For those of you who are interested in this kind of thing but live under a rock, Blizzard officially announced that they were developing Starcraft 2 today.  Their best RTS franchise (IMHO) is back, baby.

The Penny Arcade forum thread where I found out is full of great information, as well as screenshots and links to gameplay videos.

Now, if you take a look at about 50 seconds, you’ll notice a giant walker thing saunter in and begin laying waste to everything in its path.  This is cool for two reasons:

1. Giant walker things are AWESOME.
2. It looks like SC2 is going to be another high attrition game, just like SC1.  One of the things that made SC1 great was the epic battles - you sent a billion of your guys against a billion of his guys, and good luck to the winner.  While everyone had a unit or two that was a tougher nut to crack than the rest (Ultralisks, anyone?), the only side that could consistantly claim that they lived longer was the Protoss, but they even still died in huge numbers during the game.  Contrast this to WC3, where Every.  Unit.  Counted.  You had to micro like a sumbitch during any battle just to get the smallest victory.  I mean, being able to micro like a sumbitch is always gonna help, but at least it wasn’t necessary to scratch out a win in SC1.

And what sent kind of a happy chill down my spine was a list of games SC2’s lead developer has worked on, hosted over at MobyGames.  Take a look at what he was working on in 2003.  Oh man, Command & Conquer - Generals.  And now he’s bringing his talent to the Starcraft universe?  Oshit, we’re in for a helluva ride.

Two quick things:

1. I’m really looking forwards to digging around with the scripting engine in this - hopefully we can still do awesome things in it like in WC3.
2. I should really dig up a copy of Brood Wars, as I’ve never actually finished it.  I burned out on it way back when and only played multiplayer since.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

I’m seriously not kidding. Drop everything and watch this:

Haloid

Later, I’m planning a post about the Ottawa transit system, but this takes precedence.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

It’s been a week since I left my hometown of Kingston, and that means it’s time for an update. Honestly, I’d meant to give you all an update the very moment I was connected to the internet again, but things have been a little hectic.

The Move

Most of my stuff got here okay (still can’t find my slippers) and nobody died (although to hear it told, a few came close), so I suppose the move went well enough. We filled that 14′ mofo right to the brim, leaving no room for my comfy brown chair. …Which is cool, because I forgot it in Kingston anyway. I guess it’ll make a later trip.

Cray thanks to everyone who helped move. I really, really appreciate the help.

The Apartment

My apartment is really nice. Laminate hardwood floors are nice to look at and hilarious to play with cats on. Throw a ball down the hallway and they go flying towards it at top speed, nevermind the fact that they have no real way of stopping.

MJ seems happier now that there’s two less cats to torment her, and Midnight could find entertainment in anything. Hell, just this morning she was kicking the shit out of the blankets on my bed and having a grand old time. She’s doing well, in other words.

Most of our furniture is still at Jessie’s cousin’s place for a little while, which is okay. We’re only just now getting the living room fully unpacked. Just a couple more of my boxes, and it’ll be done.

The kitchen is small, but also very nice. The stove is new, the fridge is… tolerable, and there’s more than enough cupboard space for our stuff. We keep it clean. This is such a novelty.

The Roommate

Jessie is actually pretty cool. She cooks, she cleans, she is clean, and she hasn’t woken me up yet with a knife at my throat. I can’t think of much better to have in a roomie.

The Location

I’m near everything. Examples? Oh man, this is exactly what lists are for:

• A library.
• A pizza restaurant.
• Quickie Mart.
• Giant Tiger.
• Canadian Tire.
• Shopper’s Drug Mart.
• LCBO.
• Beer Store.
• Staples.
• Future Shop.
• Montanna’s.
• Burger King.
• Pizza Pizza.
• MacDonald’s.
• Wendy’s.
• A shady-looking computer store.
• Loeb’s.
• Loblaw’s.
• Chapter’s.
• A dentist.
• A barber.
• Giant, really cool, better-than-Kingston’s movie theatre that charges less and has Imax screens. (If they’re showing Transformers on an Imax screen, then I’m not coming down to Ktown for the premiere, fuck that, you’re all coming up.)

These are all within walking distance. Christ, the pizza restaurant is about five minutes away, so Jessie and I can order two smalls with two toppings (for only $15.25!) and just saunter over when they’re ready.

The Interwebs

I’ve signed up with Surenet for DSL service. I’m a little wary of DSL, as I’m really fond of cable internet’s blazing speeds and I’m not sure that DSL can match. However, DSL has the incredible benefit of not having any monthly thoroughput caps. I can tolerate a little slower speed in trade for no phone calls bitching that we owe an extra $200 for bandwidth usage. The best comparable cable package I could find was $20 more a month with a 100GB cap. I can do that in a week. If I’m lazy.

However, this means my only connectivity in the meantime is dialup – I do get a free dialup account while I wait for my modem to show up and my techie to flip a switch at the DSLAM. This makes certain things like writing blog posts and apply to jobs feasible. However, it makes things like Ironforge and Shattrath wrist-slittingly painful.

We did run through Old Hillsbrad last night, though. I only disconnected twice during the run, too.

The Job

Don’t have one just yet, but it took a while to get a new phone number and such to trick out my resume with. Resumes are going out forthwith. Wish me luck. Oh, also…

The New Number

I have a new phone number, both for my apartment and my cell phone. The cell is now an Ottawa number, which means long-distance charges, but text messages stay the same price. So random bullshit messages can still pass with no problems.

I’m getting a little leery of just posting all my personal info up on the interwebs, though. So if you do want my new phone numbers, email me. It hasn’t changed.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

[REDACTED]

Not sure when I’m moving yet, it depends on when Assurant management pulls their heads out of their asses and finally declares a schedule for Adam.

Although I’d like to send a shout-out to Assurant HR & Payroll for the full-sized paycheque I got instead of the half-sized paycheque I was expecting.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

Going-away party.

Held here.

Friday, March 23.

If you can read this, you’re invited.

Say… around 8?  Let people get home from work and get ready.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

It’s that time of year again, and local maple trees are bursting at the seams with delicious sap.  I say we head on down to Cat Creek and milk some trees!

Now, my schedule is pretty tight (notwithstanding the fact that I will not have to work from now ’till Ottawa).  This weekend I have to be with my parents on Saturday and I’m scheduled at Brennan’s on Sunday.  Next weekend is a theoretical trip to Ottawa to check out the new place, and the weekend after that, (hopefully) I’m moving!

Leaving only this weekend.

Yes, I know I’m busy this weekend.  We’ll have to cram it in there.  I don’t have to be at my parents’ place until 3pm, so if everyone shows up here - ready - at 9:30 am, we can go milk some trees, tour the woods, buy some pancakes with fresh maple syrup, ride some wagons, and get back in town for everyone to live their daily lives as usual.

So what says everyone?  Drivers especially, please report in.  Who’s willing to act as car-ferry-captain between here and the sugarbush?

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

So it’s confirmed.  I have an apartment waiting for me in Ottawa.  The lease has not been signed, nor has first and last been paid, but the landlord has confirmed that we get it.  A taste of my future housing:

http://ottawa.craigslist.org/apa/290996532.html

Highlights include:

• Party room, tennis court, indoor pool, and laundry room all in-building.
• Excersize room as well (although it requires a small fee).
• Gorgeous place, with a huge balcony.
• Two minute bus ride from where I hope to be working while looking for a real job.
• Only $910/month, inclusive.

I cannot express how psyched I am about this.  Words do not exist.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

I have a policy when I critique someone’s written work: I will be as harsh as is necessary, and frequently harsher.  This upsets some people, I understand, but it’s important.

To a lot of people, it feels like I’m telling them that their baby is ugly.  But hey, if your baby is ugly, and you have the tools to fix it, wouldn’t you prefer to be told before you go out and show that kid to important people that are going to form opinions of you based on your work?

If you have a grammar issue that plagues your work, like confusing they’re, their, and there, I’m going to savage that like a rabid dog.  Why?  Because any editor that ran into a mistake like that in your manuscript would dump it in a heartbeat, without consideration to the rest of the story.  Editors receive more unsolicited manuscripts than they can handle, so they are looking for an excuse to stop reading your story.  Don’t let that be basic grammar.

If you have cardboard characters that I don’t care about, I will hunt you down.  If I don’t care about your characters, it’s obvious you don’t care about them, and that is sin one when writing fiction.  You should care about all your characters, even the bad guy.  Especially the bad guy.  Everything you write from the bad guy’s point of view should be written with love, because that dude loves what he’s saying.  He honestly believes what he’s saying, because to him, he’s not a character.  He’s real.  Write all your characters as if they were real people, not just the lead.

If you have a crutch, like using the same word multiple times in a paragraph or starting three paragraphs in a row with the same words, I will destroy your work.  By this point, your story is probably good enough that I like it, and little things like this jump out and distract you.  They pull you out of the story, out of the experience, and remind you that you’re reading.  It’s like seeing a mike boom in an otherwise engrossing movie.

So yeah, I’m going to rip apart your story.  I’m going to expend several pens worth of red ink on it.  It’s going to make it back to bleeding harsh notes like “I don’t care about this character”, or “AUGH!  Learn to grammar!”  Your pride is going to hurt.  I don’t care.  I’m doing this for the sake of your story, which is why you brought it to me in the first place.  To do any less would be to do a disservice to the story, which would be more of an insult to you than any harsh words I could write.

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

Things are moving a little quickly, but you know what? I’m cool with that.

The latest news: I’m moving to Ottawa, and it’s for sure now. Target month is April. Ideally, I’m going up during the first week of April or even sooner (if we can get a deal on a quarter-month’s rent). I’m going to be moving in with Jessie Morgan, an old friend of mine who’s doing the hard work and checking out apartments for us.

I’m really excited. I’m also scared out of my wits. I’ve never lived outside of Kingston for longer than two weeks. I’ve moved three times in my life, but the furthest was cross-town, and the shortest was down the street. The only family I have there is my cousin Jennifer-Michelle, and the only people I’ll know there will be Jessie and my ex (and her current).

No, I don’t have a job. But that’s kind of what prompted this move. I’m being let go from Assurant on the 15^th of this month, and we’re moving out of The Great Unclean on May 1. So I don’t have any further income here in K-town, and I’m moving anyway. I could get a crap job here in town for my last six weeks of “free” rent and move up there when we move down here, or I could get a crap job up in Ottawa at the end of the month and spend those extra four weeks looking for a good job.

And why Ottawa? Why not Toronto or someplace in Alberta? Well, check out the following excerpt from Wikipedia:

Ottawa’s primary employers are the Canadian federal government and the hi-tech industry. Because major companies have offices in the city, it has become known as “Silicon Valley North.”[13]

See also: List of Major Technology Companies in Ottawa, Canada

I want to find a job in my field. The best place to do that in Canada is in Ottawa. So I’m going to Ottawa.

So, to recap: I’m leaving you all very very soon for an uncertain future.

Love ya!

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

I’m going to take a little cue from my good friend House-Sysadmin who has for a couple of years now been posting a list of goals to achieve during the coming year. As this site is central to a couple of those goals, I figure it doesn’t really hurt to integrate this list into my “introductory” post for this site as well.

Those of you reading this update courtesy of the livejournal crossposter mod I’ve installed may not have noticed that my updates are coming from an entirely different site. I’m shortly going to let Imperfexion.org go dark and do all my publishing and whatnot from here, DanHulton.com.

Let’s get to the list. I’ll be better able to explain myself there.

1. Register and set up DanHulton.com - check
   Woo! Got that one done early. The point behind this site is mainly to provide a more professional and focused location for my next two goals.
2. Write at least one short story per month.
   With an ultimate goal of being a professional, making-money-at-the-game author, I have to recognise that my writing at this point is pretty sketchy. Short stories are an excellent way to get my chops back, and they’re fun too!
3. Write a novel before the end of the year.
   Yet another step on the path towards author-dome-hood-ness.
4. Find a beer I really like.
   This of course requires that I…
5. Get some form of ID. Preferably a driver’s licence.
6. Move out of The Great Unclean.
   This is less of a “goal” and more of a “happening on May 1st, come hell or high water” thing. I gotta get outta here! For reasons why, see the name of the place.
7. Hit 70 in WoW.
   On only one character. I’m not an altaholic. I can stop at just one.
8. Lose weight.
9. Excersize more.
10. Rock out on-stage with famous musicsians, broadcasted live nationally.
    I always include something completely unattainable each year so that I can’t just rest on my laurels if I get really productive some week. (Having trouble figuring out which one that is? That’s right, it’s number eight.)

Wish me luck!

Originally published at DanHulton.com. Please leave any comments there.

Phil could understand why ancient cultures worshipped the moon. Unlike the sun, so predictable and obvious, the moon was a mystery. It was never the same shape, never full and perfect for more than a few nights, and it even disappeared entirely at times. It was a symbol of the night, though it oftentimes showed up during the day. And sometimes, just sometimes, it covered up the sun, casting its shadow across the whole Earth.

To early man, the moon was unknowable, and religions and spirituality sprung up around the unknowable. By ascribing certain mythical and spiritual properties to these things, we tame them, making them knowable at least in the ways we say they are. And from that point, so long as you believed in the mythos, it was true - at least as far as it concerned you.

And when Phil found the translations of the ritual of the Moon Goddess in his Grandpa Mike’s attic, he belived it too. At least, he was pretty sure he did.

He had spent weeks clearing his mind of doubts, but also clearing his mind of facts. Facts castrate belief. They make the unknowable knowable and remove the reason for belief, thus removing belief itself. So Phil made himself ignorant of the moon.

He forgot everything he knew about lunar cycles. He forgot all about light from the sun refracting off the moon at odd angles to change its colour. He forgot that the moon was three thousand, four hundred and seventy-six kilometers in diameter, and that it had a rough mass of 7.4×10^22 kilograms. Hell, he even forgot that it was a giant ball of dirt orbiting the Earth far, far away. We he was done forgetting, the moon was just a glorious ball of light in the sky, ever-changing in appearance but always full of wonder. He was ready.

The translations left by Granpa Mike were incomplete, but Phil figured out the rest without too much effort. Fresh eyes on an old problem, he thought. The texts were Mayan in origin, which Phil though odd. Mayans focused mainly on sun worship with the god Quetzalcoatl taking a prominent role in the majority of the mythos. Still, he reasoned, most cultures had some moon worship - even if supressed or marginalised.

So here, in the light of the crescent moon, he prepared for the ritual he deciphered - the summoning of the Moon Goddess.

First, he drew a half-circle by sprinkling ground chalk dust - yellow for the light of the moon. Accuracy was not important, as the moon itself was not perfect and the wise were wise to recognise this. Next, a candle at each end - one black for the moon at night and one white for the moon during the day. In the center of the semicircle he placed the object of white, the object of devotion, and then he lit the candles.

Finally, he performed the sacrafice.

He had spent some time debating over what kind of sacrafice he would use. It was mandatory, it said so in the text. A summoning of this magnitude could not be achieved by simple demands or pleading. But as to the actual object of sacrafice, the texts were mute.

He considered first a human sacrafice, but tabled it for the moment due to legal considerations. Possible a harvest sacrifice - consisting of fruits, vegetables, and grains, or possible a sacrafice of livestock - but that was a little too Cain and Abel for him. Wrong pantheon.

In the end, the solution was simple and obvious. The most powerful sacrafice was one of self. He used the ornate knife that he borrowed from Grandma Annie’s mantle to cut his left pink finger, and used the blood to extinguish the candles.

With the scent of copper in the air, he looked to the sky and intoned the name of the Moon Godess.

A powerful white light exploded behind Phil’s eyes and he stumbled to his knees. A low droning filled his ears, nearly scrambling his brain with its intensity. He arched his back in pain and howled into the sky.

Some minutes later, the pain subsided enough for Phil to force his eyes open. He lay in a pitiful heap before his makeshift altar. A soft white light permeated the air like mist. The low droning had been replaced by a high-tension sound - the sound of fine white whine being poured into a crystal glass. And on the side of the altar opposite him was a long-haired, dark skinned woman smiling tenderly down on him.

“I am Ix Chel, the Lady Rainbow. Am I to presume you are the priest that has summoned Me?” she asked.

Phil tried to respond, but could only croak. His mouth was dry, and he felt as if he had run a marathon while being pummled by an all-star baseball team equipped with aluminum bats.

Ix Chel walked around the altar and kneeled beside Phile. Gentle concern showed on her face. “You are not like the priests I am used to. And wher is My festival; where are My worshippers? Are you the only one here to greet Me on this day of My glorious return?”

Phil nodded, slowly getting his strength back. “I… summoned you… alone.”

Ix Chel flinched back and put a hand to her breast. “Alone? You had no disciples to aid you, no crowd to draw strength from?” Phil shook his head and a grim look came to Ix Chel’s face. “It is a wonder you even survived, then. There are precious, precious few that can channel Me even with the help of an entire city. I know of none - well, now one - that can channel Me themselves. You are foolish.”

Phil shook his head again, and winced. “Not foolish. Ignorant. First time I’ve done this.”

Ix Chel stood and looked around. “I begin to understand. I have not been summoned in a long, long time. Things have changed greatly. The practise of My worship has been almost entirely lost. Am I correct?”

“Yes,” said Phil. “My father was an archaelologist of the Indiana Jones variety, looking into ancient Mayan civilizations. One trip he came back beaten and bruised with rubbings of stone tablets. He deciphered most of them, I finished the rest. And tonight I used them to bring you here.”

“Some of your words are unknown to me, but I think I understand your meaning. Is it possible that your Grandfather perhaps missed the instructions for the months-long celebratory festival to be undergone before My summoning in order to ease My passage into this world?”

Another wave of nasea passed over Phil. “Possibly.”

Ix Chel nodded. “Do not feel so bad. The first few times these Mayans tried to summon me were fairly disastrous as well. At least there was no geographical damage done this time.”

Phil groaned in pain again and Ix Chel frowned. “I am sorry. I forget Myself. Allow Me to help.” She bent over him and caressed his brow. It felt to Phil like the finest silks, and she smelled like oriental perfume. Instantly, his aches and pains left him and his head felt lighter. He sat forward, hands grasping his ankles. “And now,” she said as she stood, smiled, and bowed low. “However may I be of assistance?”

“Actually, I was hoping you could fix my iPod,” Phil said, as he gestured to the object at the center of the altar.

Ix Chel frowned, then Phil felt a twinge at the back of his head. Her eyes rolled back and suddenly Phil couldn’t help but think about his iPod. He thought about buying it, about playing songs on it, about emailing Apple tech support when he dropped it in a puddle near his school. He thought about how Ix Chel must somehow be in his head, and about how weird it probably wasn’t - her being a God and all.

Ix Chel’s face fell. “You want Me to fix your iPod?” she asked with disgust.

“Well, yeah, the battery died when I dropped it there, and Apple wants me to pay eighty bucks for repair..”

“I can raze whole cities!” she interrupted. “I bring with Me the full power of the moon! I could rescue any princess, destroy any enemy, or make you ruler of any nation! And you want Me to fix your iPod?”

“Yeah,” said Phil, blushing deeply. “I’m kind of broke, you see…”

“Fine!” cried Ix Chel. Thunder rolled, though no lightning could be seen, and the hairs on Phil’s arms stood on end. “I will fix your iPod. I will fix your iPod only too well!”

Again, light filled Phil’s eyes and a low droning filled his ears. The pressure - both in noise and light - grew to unbearable levels. Phill rolled around on the ground in agony. Finally, thankfully, he passed out.

When Paul got home, he threw away the candles and replaced Grandma Annie’s knife after a good washing under hot running water. Then he went and got Granpda Mike’s notes.

Briefly, he reconsidered his chosen action, but in the end he stayed true. It was the only reasonable thing. He had proof of Ix Chel, and with proof, his belief was castrated. The ritual would not work for him again. But, he reasoned, it might work for someone else with more grandiose wishes and a truer faith. And on that note, he struck the match and lit the notes on fire.

As the flames reached the point where he held the sheaf of papers, Phil dropped them to the ground. Impassionately, he watched the last few scraps burn, then stomped out the still-glowing embers.

His iPod finished playing “Butterflies and Hurricanes” by Muse and switched over to “Beautiful Day” by U2. Phil walked out his front door with a smile on his face and a skip in his step as he put Ix Chel and the previous night’s experiences from his mind. He tried to forget - as he had forgotten that the giant craters on the moon were made from similarly-giant asteroids slamming into its surface - but he could never quite let it go away.

In much the same way, Phil could never quite let his iPod go away either. It never got lost; if he ever left it at a party, it owould be in his coat pocket the next morning. It never borke down, nor ever required recharging. And it always knew what song to play for every situation, even if Phil hadn’t loaded that song onto it yet.

Phil accepted all of this and never made note of it to anyone. Not out of fear of consequence, but simply because it wasn’t any of their business.

Paul and Ix Chel’s blessed iPod went merrily on their way for several years, mindless of the major role in world events the iPod was, in time, to play. Ix Chel would have the glory due her.

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